Ella was off school last week for spring break and we had so much fun just having a few days to not have a schedule to stick to. We went to the zoo, had a couple movie nights with popcorn, and went to the trampoline park in Madison. Now that she is back to school this week, I am having a hard time getting anything checked off my ever-growing to-do list. It doesn’t help that Grayson is refusing to nap while Ella is at school, which is usually my time to get to work.
In November, I made the decision to become an ACE Certified Personal Trainer. I bought all the books and have been attempting to read and study as often as possible. The problem I am facing, is how to put the time in that I really need and still be able to focus on my kids when they need me. I am getting down on myself a lot. I have been a stay-at-home mom for over five years now. I forgot how to do anything else on top of it! I feel like it shouldn’t be as difficult as it seems. I know there are so many moms out there who go to school or work full time so I feel silly for thinking this is so hard, but it is! I have so much guilt if I am working on other things when I’m the only one home during the day. Then I’m mad at myself for not working harder. On the days I do decide I’m gunna get shit done, the kids are needier than ever.
The toughest part about being a mom is stretching yourself too thin. And I’m pretty certain we all do it every day. It’s easy to tell ourselves that we deserve “me time” because we do, but doesn’t the guilt always creep in? We want to be supermoms who can do it all. Maybe that means something different for each of us – supermom – but no matter what it means, it’s ok to not be her. I am reminding myself of this daily. The feelings of inadequacy can sometimes be a good thing, right? Because that means we care enough about our kids to want to be there all the time. We care enough about them to feel badly about the things we didn’t do, or shouldn’t have done, or when we handled a situation poorly…
Oddly enough, as I’m writing this, my kids are fighting with each other. I’ve had to leave my computer about five times to intervene and my patience is gone. The point is, it’s ok to mess up. It’s ok to get mad at them. It’s ok to take time for yourself. It’s ok to want to be away from them. It’s ok to put other things on hold to be with them. Motherhood is one giant contradiction. We can do everything in some moments and we can do nothing in others and it’s ok.
These sweet people make every day worth living whether I’m frustrated beyond belief or over-the-moon in love.